My 'Peter Pan' Mentality

Hey guys! Hope you all had an awesome Halloween. Bit of a different kind of post today. Not music, not film.. More of a realisation and life rant if I'm completely honest. Now, I've been sat having a proper think this miserable, British evening and I came to a horrible conclusion. I'm 19, still in college and supposed to be 'starting' my life next year. I have no clue as to what I want to do. This could be an issue..

Looking at some of the people I went to school with who are either my age, older or, in some cases, younger, I am very behind in comparison. They're all getting engaged, having babies or even married! Then there's me. Socially awkward, incredibly childish and immature and genuinely terrified at the thought of growing up. Great start, right? I can't seem to maintain a relationship without getting myself hurt, can't seem to make 'grown up' decisions (unless planning how to rearrange my room counts as one..) and so on. Then I look at my family. One of my cousins is married with two kids, another is in a well paid recruitment job practically rolling in the money, others are at university or starting their lives with partners.. I'm one of the only ones who didn't go to university and, quite frankly, I feel like I'm going nowhere..

I absolutely love the course I'm doing at college. I mean, it's childcare - what's not to love, right?! Wrong, coursework is a nightmare. Other than that, the course is pretty awesome and I love it. The girls are lovely, the teachers are (mostly) supportive, the course itself is insightful and interesting.. But where will it take me? So far, I'm doing really well. Got an A for the first year and aiming for an A this year which will be an almighty challenge to say the least, but what will I do with it? At the end of the day, I aspire to be either a nanny or a teaching assistant - prefer the idea of a teaching assistant if I'm honest, but nannying a small child would be just as rewarding! Maybe when I get into my career more, I could go into teacher training. Not 100% yet.. But that takes me to next year.. What the hell am I going to do when I come out of being in education for 16 years...

In my head, there are so many things I would love to do next year. Some more realistic as per usual! Like, I'd love to work with Disney. The cruise line, the actual parks... More realistically, I have a higher chance of working somewhere like Centre Parcs or Butlins. Really pushing the boat out there.... Not. admittedly, Centre Parcs wouldn't be so bad if I got into something enjoyable. Ideally, I'd love to get a teaching assistant job or a nannying career and eventually move out of home with a good enough salary to support me. Wishful thinking, right? I think so too. All I want is a secure career which I enjoy and a happy life. Is that too much to ask for? Clearly it is with my mentality.

Then we come to the present, and where I am now. I live at home with my mum, I work in Sainsbury's all weekend every weekend, I can't drive (legally on my own - learning is good enough!) and I'm in college/placement every weekday. When do I have any 'me time'
just to wind down and think? Try never, or when I have holiday off work and college. I'll be honest, I don't want to work in Sainsbury's forever. As good as it is for now (good pay, met some amazing people etc), it's hardly my lifetime ambition.. As for college, need I say more. I go to college three days a week and placement the other two days, doesn't sound to bad and, in all honesty, it really isn't compared to some courses. But what do I do when it's all over? 

I've learnt in the past few months that having positive people in my life can create a positive mind and mentality. I absolutely adore the girls on my course, they are amazing. I can't imagine doing the course without them. Same with some of my other friends, like my best friend. She has got my through so much this year (we won't go into detail) and, despite me being the biggest pain in the backside going, has stuck by me through thick and thin. This applies with a couple of other people. I've restored friendships which were crushed and found who is worth keeping in my life. We all think we'll stay close with our friends in schools, but that is far from true. Out of all of my sixth form friends, I speak to a handful now. Just shows how little you can mean to someone really, doesn't it.. Especially when they simply do not make an effort with you at all. My worst fear is being alone and, with things like that, I literally feel beyond alone.. Having no one to turn to about certain things is the worst feeling ever.

So, now I've written my little rant, I've realised I have more motivation to write this than my college assignments - how bad is that?! But, in all seriousness, I find myself in a bit of a mess. My head is a mess, my heart is in a state that can't be described.. I am clueless. No one could ever imagine half the things that go on in my head, and I couldn't blame them. Ever. Basically, to sum it all up, I have the 'Peter Pan' mentality - I don't want to grow up..

Help me.